sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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