My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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