I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
