I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
