I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
