Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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