I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
