i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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