Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
