Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
