Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
