and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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