do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
