On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
