i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
