I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
