I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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