Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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