Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
