Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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