We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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