I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
