Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
