My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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