I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
