If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
