my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
