when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
