So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
