Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
