rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
