so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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