Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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