he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
