I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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