Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
