Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
