The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
