hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
