You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Randomize
