I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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