After last night, I could never be a politician.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
