i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
