I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
