u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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