You made me cry and you don't even care
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
