Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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