Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
