How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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