i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
